Admin note: Names of Scientologists changed or shortened to initials.

They said "good", because they needed me to sign a paper saying he harassed me in case he ever tried to sue the church, because he was routing out (leaving the Sea Org). I was shocked, sad, scared, all at once. THIS is how they broke it to me when we were pretty much engaged!! I almost burst into tears, but knew I had to cooperate or else. I signed the paper, and have never forgiven myself to this day. That guy loved me enough to give up everything just to be with me, and I turned on him, the church made me turn on him.

I saw him again at his sister’s wedding (which I was a bridesmaid in because we were like sisters and she was in the Sea Org too). It was very odd as we never got to speak to each other at all. I’ve seen him a couple of other times, and it was always very odd because I was still in the Sea Org. To this day, we haven’t talked about what happened.

I was heartbroken, and never got over it. It kept coming up throughout my years in the Sea Org that I still had attention on this person, and that I never got to properly end my relationship with him. We were together for years before I joined, and I had lost my virginity to him. He was not just another boyfriend to me.

Regardless, I pushed myself and somehow kept going. I had so much energy in the beginning, so much strength, so much purpose, I was unstoppable. Shortly thereafter, I was promoted to the CMO (Commodore’s Messenger Org) in PAC (where the blue buildings are on Sunset Blvd). I worked in the LRH Personal Public Relations Office. This was fun. Every week that we were upstat, the staff members of our org were rewarded with trips to the movies, and I got liberties quite often to go visit my parents and my best friend. Things were going okay and I started to get over my loss. I had fun going out to parties and events promoting L.Ron Hubbard. I at least felt that I had some contact with the outside world, and got to wear civilian clothes every once in a while.

A couple months later I found out I was named for promotion again, this time to CMO Int Extension Unit, which is located on Hollywood Blvd, and my sister was working there. I didn’t want to leave my current job, and my seniors didn't want me to go. I observed that there was a bunch of internal fighting going on about it, and my senior assured me I wasn’t going anywhere.

One day I was driving to the building on Hollywood Blvd to deliver a package. Once I got in the lobby someone came and told me to come with them. She told me she was from CMO IXU and she had to talk to me. I knew this was totally against church policy, because in the church, you are not allowed to verbally talk with anyone from a lower organization; everything had to be in writing and go through a “filter” that approved all outgoing messages, but this person had a much higher rank than me, I could not say no.

I went with her upstairs to a small office. She told me that I was named for promotion to her org and that I needed to do what I could to make sure it went smoothly from my end so I could arrive there soon. She told me I was already approved for a particular post (job) and showed me a CSW (report) that was approved all the way through RTC (which is the highest organization in Scientology) for me to be the LRH Comm CMO IXU. That is the second highest rank in that organization. I was totally surprised that I was approved for such a high position. I was new to the Sea Org, I had never been in the CMO before. She convinced me how important it was, and a few weeks later I was replaced and arrived at CMO IXU.

I got through a very rapid program to get ready for post, and then I was officially placed on post as the LRH Comm CMO IXU. What a transition! Soon enough, the biggest issue I was trying to deal with was the fact that this particular organization had apparently been in a lower condition for years and nobody even really knew why because it was assigned before most of them had even arrived. Apparently, it was because of the “state of Scientology Internationally” – what a generality. So, being in a lower condition is usually something assigned to a person who has demonstrated they are a “liability” to the group and so they get penalized and all privileges taken away. They are considered not to be trusted and not to be socialized with because they are not “part of the group”.

This meant all liberties (days off to see your family, etc), org awards (for the org being upstat), and bonuses were cancelled for every staff member. I was shocked and disappointed. Why was I going to have to suffer? I didn’t deserve that punishment. Well, I still hadn’t lost that gleam in my eye from when I first joined the Sea Org, so I sought out to take personal responsibility to get this situation handled for everyone in the org. I made this my personal mission and I was very optimistic.

Meanwhile, my sister wasn’t doing so hot. I remember when I was in CMO PAC and she was up in CMO IXU, she could never get any time off, but she couldn’t tell me what was going on because I was in a lower org, and she was working under a strict confidentiality agreement. I used to call her and yell at her for not getting time off to see the family and told her she wasn’t “making it go right”, and that she was giving mom and dad a bad impression of Sea Org members.

Well, now that I had arrived to her org I understood. NOBODY got time off there. My sister also got into serious trouble shortly after I arrived.. She had just been busted from one post and was working on another. She was under “Comm Ev”, which is one of the highest disciplinary actions in the Sea Org, kind of like a trial where a group of people meet with the accused and decide their fate so to speak. As the LRH Comm, I personally had to approve the decisions of the Comm Ev tribunal, and approve their recommended punishment. The first one that came through my hands was my sister’s, in which the Comm Ev recommended that she be assigned to the RPF.

I was in shock, I wanted to cry. No way did my sister deserve this. She walked into the Sea Org to the post of Services Chief CMO IXU, which has to be one of the hardest jobs in the org! I can’t even fathom this being someone’s first assigned job. Anyway, I had to sign it because otherwise they would tell me I was too "reasonable" and would put me on the emeter to find out why. I ran to the bathroom after singing it and cried. Thank god the last person on the routing line, the ED of the org, did not sign it and said that my sister did not deserve to go to the RPF, but she did get kicked out of CMO and was posted in a lower organization, FLO, located in the same building.

I continued to witness numerous members of my staff getting kicked out due to suicidal thoughts/threats (more than 5). My fellow staff member’s husband actually did commit suicide, while others took off and blew from the organization never to be seen again. One had a nervous breakdown in front of me, and I also experienced more deaths than I thought were even possible. My dear friend from school, Stacy Moxon died by accident, several others died of cancer, some were involved in car accidents. It continued on every day till the day I left.

Now, what pushed me over the edge to leave myself?

Well, I had gotten busted from post as the LRH Comm CMO IXU because there was an area, a half of a floor, solely dedicated to LRH. It was set up like his house with one office for his messengers. One day, David Miscavige was in the building and went to use the bathroom up there and the toilet did not work (would not flush). Me and my fellow staff members were up around the clock for a week handling this, cleaning and replacing broken parts up there until the whole area was perfect. I got in trouble for this even though I did not even have clearance to enter this area until the day I was woken up by the RTC Rep in the middle of the night to go clean up there, as David Miscavige had just been there and it was a HUGE flap.

I then went on to be posted as a Pgms Ops in CMO IXU, which means you get assigned to various areas of International Management and you execute programs to establish them, forward strategies, etc.

I soon got posted over Data and the FB (which were THE guys actually managing the churches internationally). This area was a DISASTER when I took it over. The CO FB (head of this unit of all International managers) was completely in the frame of mind that the Sea Org was bad, hated many of the execs and he wanted to leave. There were tons of key positions that were unfilled, most of the staff there never slept and looked completely wasted, stats were down in the area, and in most people’s eyes the staff of this organization were all scum for getting nothing done, and letting DM bypass them (which means he is doing their job directly and handling things in their responsibility and authority zone) in getting all the orgs to Saint Hill Size and so forth. Saint Hill Size is a specific status when an organization has reached specified expansion targets.

Wow! I can’t even begin to describe all the things I ran into on this post that made me finally realize I couldn’t do it anymore. There were so many things I began finding myself in complete disagreement with. Here are just a FEW of them:

1. I was assigned to PERSONALLY deal with a bad situation that had arisen with another SO member, the CO FB. Even though this was not my job, I was ordered to write a list of confessional questions that she would be asked. I was not trained to do this. I was also ordered to get information on her from her personal folder, which is screwed up because first of all she was OT and I wasn't, so I wasn't supposed to be looking in there in the first place, and secondly because the information in there is supposed to be priest/penitent privileged. No one else is supposed to look at that, because it contains all of the private information that she had willingly given to her auditor with the understanding that this info would never be shared with anyone. This situation quickly spiraled out of control, and she ended up blowing (leaving without permission), and that incident turned into a major flap.

2. There was a thing called a Filter, which was two people posted to read every dispatch, telex, etc that went out of the building to ensure it was on-policy and on-stat and people were not sending conflicting directions. They were on a schedule where they stayed up until 3:45am every day so they could read all the traffic, and they slept until lunch time. The people in FB were often told they couldn’t go home until their traffic went out, and I was ordered by the RTC Rep to stay and make sure. That meant they all stayed until 3:45am to wait for this person to clear their traffic. Sometimes they would stay up and their traffic still wouldn’t clear because the Filter could not get to it, so they stayed up for no reason and couldn’t do anything about it as they cannot talk personally to the Filter, and they had to be at work at 9am while the Filter personnel slept until lunch.

3. I was put under MAJOR pressure to get the empty positions filled, which is not my job. There was an issue that came out from a very prestigious executive stating that people from my organization could no longer include postings on their programs because it bypassed the local HCOs who were the ones LRH said were responsible for personnel. However the RTC Representative posted in my building constantly cross-ordered people in my organization to fill various posts and made us report to her on them daily. What you had then was 3-4 people all storming into HCO FLO ordering various posts filled (cross-ordering each other) while HCO FLO got nothing done (it was only two people in there who were so unestablished themselves which is what are job was supposed to be). It became impossible to do anything and I knew what we were being ordered to do was totally wrong and off-policy.

4. I learned that most of Scientology’s stats internationally were actually DOWN. I was looking at many stats to qualify potential candidates for posts and stats like “First Starts in Scientology” (new people taking services) were down long-term, completions were down, etc. I thought to myself, what am I doing here if the stats are actually just steadily down-trending? I didn’t feel I had really accomplished anything, nor had the Sea Org, in the last 6 years and felt I was wasting my time.

5. I myself was getting little to no sleep. On one occasion, we were all woken up in the middle of the night because our seniors were still in the org working and were pissed that nobody else was there. We ended up staying up all night just because he was pissed at us. It was routine for me to get under 5 hours of sleep nightly and my body was completely running down. I had been ill numerous times, I got allergies that flared up really bad, I had major back aches, stomach problems, etc. I was taken to the emergency room twice for cysts. I was a mess! I was also not eating because the food was gross, we only had 20 minutes to eat and I also smoked. Since I’ve been out I have NONE of these body issues whatsoever simply because I am eating and sleeping.

6. Most of all, I missed my family! I hadn’t seen my family more than five times a year, and there were times I was denied seeing them on holidays for no good reason. I spoke to my little brother one time near Christmas (he was about 13) and he told me he wanted me to go work at the Deli nearby our house so that he could see me more, and he asked me why I had to move away and work at the Church and never see him. This was heartbreaking! I had managed to see my family on Sunday mornings which was our allotted few hours to clean, do laundry, etc. I would meet them at nearby restaurants with my sister and visit. This was cancelled as soon as it was found out about because it was considered a misuse of this time. I was very upset about this. With liberties cancelled, that virtually meant I would never be able to see my family. I remember HCO made me call my mom and dad and let them know I would not be able to meet them anymore on Sundays and I was holding back tears the entire time I was on the phone with them.

7. I also missed my passion for singing just like my father had warned me. I was 24 and felt I was missing out. I used to sing at the annual Sea Org Day when the Sea Org got time off to celebrate being an SO member, but this holiday had since been cancelled to ½ day and no performances were allowed as it was “off-purpose”. I had a karaoke machine that Jenna Miscavige (we were friends in the Sea Org) had lent me. I used to sing in my room and could at least have that comfort, but one day the Ethics Officer pulled me into HCO, and told me that they had been ordered by the RTC Rep to confiscate that from me because it was “off-purpose” and a distraction to my duties. This was very upsetting.

8. I was upset with my marriage. I had gotten married to my husband when I was 19. He was on night schedule our whole marriage so I rarely slept in the same bed with him, let alone saw him at all. We didn’t know each other very well. He had just gotten in trouble for out-ethics activities, checking out other girls and so on, and I felt this was not really love, and not what I had imagined a marriage would ever be like. He was in a lower org, so I could not talk to him about much, couldn’t cry on his shoulder, and couldn’t tell him what I was running into or anything because that information was confidential. I was in doubt about wanting to stay with him, and I think he was too.

With all this on my mind, I was miserable, crying a lot uncontrollably. I wanted to leave and almost everyone in my org knew it, but I didn’t have the balls to go through with it, so they were trying to handle me so that I would WANT to be there. I went for a security check (confessional) and I finally told them that I was thinking of blowing and had suicidal pictures in my head. I was taken off the job and put on a correction program wherein another guy from my org watched me 24 hours a day (This was Nicholai who I am now married to and pregnant with his baby).

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